Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
