The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
