Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize