goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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