i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
