You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
not ubering you a puppy
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize