ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
