No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
