Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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