Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Randomize
