when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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