I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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