she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
