Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
