I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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