I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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