I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize