So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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