saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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