Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Randomize
