she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
