ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
