nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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