tell your sister to shave her snatch
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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