Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize