Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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