he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize