We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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