I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
