i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
