"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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