Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
