Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
