Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
