glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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