He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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