im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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