I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
