Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
