I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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