it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
you inspire me to be a worse person
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
