I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
