I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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