i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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