just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
