My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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