I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize