At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
