he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
