Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
