Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
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