Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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