I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
