I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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