Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
