I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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