that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
