I molested 6 butterflies tonight
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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