i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
