sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
