remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize