Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
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