maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
