Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Randomize
