my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
