if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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