My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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