my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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